Letting Go of the Need to Justify Your Decisions

In this episode of the Courageously Unconventional podcast, we explore why many of us feel compelled to justify our decisions and how this need can impact our mental and emotional well-being.

Topics Discussed:

• The psychological and social factors driving the need to justify decisions
• Strategies to let go of the need to justify your decisions
• Creating awareness and embracing self-compassion
• Practicing simple responses instead of over-justifications
• Setting boundaries
• Surrounding yourself with support

Journal Topic: Explore Your Need to Justify Your Decisions

• Create awareness: Note when you feel the need to justify your decisions. 
• Review your notes and see what patterns are there (if any)
• Take ONE situation to explore. And with a lot of curiosity, ask yourself: why did you feel the need to defend or justify your decision?
• Offer yourself compassion. It's okay to make decisions others may not understand or agree with. See if you can understand where you were coming from and offer yourself kindness and compassion.

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Transcript

Welcome back to the Courageously Unconventional podcast. 

I'm your host, Lynn Grogan, and today we're diving into a topic that many of us struggle with: letting go of the need to justify our decisions to other people.

Today, we'll explore why we feel this need to defend our decisions, how it affects us, and most importantly, how we can learn to let go of it.

As a caveat before we get going, I do want to say that this can be nuanced. There are some situations where you WANT to explain your decisions with people you trust. You want them to understand where you're coming from and get their take on things because you value their point of view. Sometimes explaining yourself and sharing vulnerably what's on your mind can even bring you closer and help you to connect to others. To me that's a positive side of sharing your decisions and something to continue. 

But that's NOT what I'm addressing today. What I'm talking about today is when the need to explain or justify is coming from feeling anxious or nervous or doubtful and wanting someone or something outside yourself to approve of what you're doing so you can feel better. 

This is something that I myself have worked on in coaching and in my life. If you listened to my podcast from last week, I shared my story of quitting my job without another job lined up. A lot of what I needed to overcome was my fear about what other people would think and how to navigate that space without the need to seek approval or defend myself. I'll be honest - it was hard. It definitely required a lot of courage on my part to believe in my decision. If you want to more about that, you can listen to last week's episode called Quitting without a Plan. 

And this is something I work on a lot with my clients. I find that in particular it's hard for them to say no to an invitation or an offer without some struggle. 

And why do we do this? The drive to seek approval comes from both a social and psychological perspective. 

Our society often values conformity and stability. When you make a decision that goes against these norms, such as leaving a stable job or making unconventional life choices, you might feel pressured to explain yourself to avoid judgment.

And a lot of us fear the judgment of others We are social creatures. We CARE what people think of us. It's very hard for a lot of us to sit with the idea that we may not have the support of everyone in our lives and that that could be okay. It often feels like we're doing something wrong. 


And additionally, there could be some cognitive dissonance at play. When our actions don't align with our beliefs, we feel uncomfortable. Here's an example of how that might play out: If you are someone who believes you should show up to work NO MATTER WHAT, as long as you're not DYING you're there. The thought of quitting before a socially acceptable retirement age when you are perfectly healthy can create a lot of discomfort. It can seem like you are doing something very, very wrong so you might justify your decisions to ease some of that discomfort. 


Sometimes it can seem easier to follow convention and what we think other people want, but what gets sacrificed is our overall well-being and what WE want out of life. If we are constantly seeking other people's approval, we don't create our own confidence or trust in our ability to make our own decisions. 

Let's be honest, it can be mentally and emotionally exhausting to feel like our decisions are on always trial. What we often forget is that it isn't other people putting our decisions on trial. WE are the ones putting our decisions on trial. 

So how can you overcome the need to justify your decisions? 

First off you need Awareness. it's really hard to work on something when you don't know exactly where it's coming up. For a lot of us, we've been socialized to justify our decisions so it's on autopilot. So just notice when you're explaining or justifying or seeking approval for your decisions. I'm not just talking about big decisions, I'm talking about little decisions. Like what you're making for dinner or the route you're driving to the store or stopping drinking for a while. I highly encourage you to jot some notes in your Notes app on your phone or in a  journal. You may be surprised how often you feel the need to defend your decisions. 

After you've taken some notes, say for about a week, review to see if there are any patterns. Are there any people or situations or decisions in particular where you feel the need to explain yourself? What are the patterns? What do you notice? 

Take ONE situation to explore. Okay with that - why do I feel the need to overexplain yourself? I'll give an example here. So let's say you've decided you're not going to drink at the upcoming pool party and you know you'll be offered drinks and lots of them. When asked why you're not drinking Maybe you launched into a story about wanting to be healthy and how it might be temporary but you don't know… Why did you feel the need to explain yourself? What were you worried they would think about you? 

Offer yourself compassion. Other people may not understand or agree with your decisions and that's okay. See if you can talk kindly to yourself. Here's what that might sound like: Oh, there it is again. That pattern. It makes sense I was feeling afraid because I was worried that if I stopped drinking no one would like me anymore. Of course when I was thinking that way and feeling so worried, I was trying my best to make it okay by overexplaining myself. But maybe I don't have to do that moving forward. 

So to recap:
Bring awareness to when you feel the need to justify your decisions.
Review your notes and see what patterns are there (if any)
Take ONE situation to explore. And with a lot of curiosity, ask yourself: why did you feel the need to defend or justify your decision?
Offer yourself compassion. It's okay to make decisions others may not understand or agree with. See if you can understand where you were coming from and offer yourself kindness and compassion.

So I was debating ending the episode here, but if you're like any of my clients, your very next question is okay, no but REALLY what else can I do in these situations? Awareness and compassion are great, but you haven't met my mom. She can be very critical. 

Here are a few other things you do when you feel the need to defend your decisions: 

Practice some simple responses ahead of time and stick to them. You might say something like: I've decided to move on from this job because it's the right choice for me at this point in my life. Keep it simple. 

If they press on and you find yourself freezing up, turn it back on them. This is something that one of my clients told me a while back and I loved it. If they seem to be demanding answers, ask them a question. ANY question. How's your job going? Did you ever have to make a tough decision like this, what was that like? Humans can't resist a question.

And if that doesn't do it: Remind yourself that their reaction to your decisions is based on their fears or biases. From their perspective, it might seem like you aren't making a good decision, but you don't have to take on their perspective. Rather than launching into justification, you could simply ask them: what are your fears and worries and them shut your mouth. Just listen to understand where they are coming from and again, acknowledge that they care about you and  have some fears for you and that's okay. 

And if it gets really hard, it's okay to excuse yourself from the conversation. You may need to set that boundary. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your life choices. 

And finally - you may find it helpful to surround yourself with people who respect your decisions. Find like-minded individuals who have done what you want to do and seek their support. This might be some select family or friends, an online or in-person group dedicated to what you want to do or a therapist or coach. Surround yourself with support. 

Alright my friend as we close out this episode I want to say that letting go of the need to justify your decisions is an important step forward in living true to yourself. The discomfort is worth it, even if it's hard for you. I think it's hard for a lot of us.  
If you found this topic helpful, please subscribe and share it with others who might benefit. 
If you have a big decisions to make and you want some support making them, I offer 1:1 coaching. You can find details on lynngrogan.com or in the show notes

This has been Courageously Unconventional with Lynn Grogan.  See you next time!